


sacred simplicity

by unserene



Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bullying, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-22 00:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3708793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unserene/pseuds/unserene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slimy and dead weren't his favorite words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sacred simplicity

**Author's Note:**

> **trigger warning:** self-harm, anxiety disorder
> 
> i.. really thought for a long time about posting something like this.   
> if you are struggling with self-harm or anxiety or any mental disorder or just need someone to talk to, i am **always open to talk** at hztaoism.tumblr.com
> 
> love yall stay safe xoxo

“Alright, students!” Mr. Choi boomed as he walked into the classroom of chittering second years, placing his agenda on his desk. ”Today, as you all probably know, is your first lab dissection.” A collective shudder ran through the room, minus the occasional whoop from various students who were destined to be surgeons. “We will be dissecting a frog.”

Jeongguk grimaced, a slight shudder running down his spine. He hated dead animals, especially touching dead, frozen frogs. Slimy and dead weren’t his favorite words. Mr. Choi had turned on the projector and had Jeongguk and his peers copy down a few more notes and pre-lab questions.

“Now, before we move to our lab tables, we must go over lab safety.” Another cumulative groan echoed in the classroom before Mr. Choi continued. “Rule one. Always wear your protective goggles. Can anyone tell me why?”

The boy two rows in front of Jeongguk, Youngjae, raised his hand. “We wear our goggles to protect our eyes from getting chemicals or strange liquids into them.” He droned on, like he were reading a textbook definition out loud.

Mr. Choi smiled tightly, obviously catching on to Youngjae’s boredom. “Good. Rule 2. Do not attempt to stab anyone with the surgical scissors or any other tool that comes within your reach.” The teacher sent this look toward Jiho, who raised his hands in the air, playing innocent. “Jiho, I’m sure everyone remembers when you ‘accidentally’ stabbed Kyung with a toothpick.”

The rest of the rules were soon covered, and Mr. Choi sent his students off to grab a lab partner. Jeongguk glanced around the classroom. None of his friends or even acquaintances were in this hour with him. He spotted a girl quickly jotting down the remainder of the notes, and put on a small smile as he approached her speedily.

“Uh, hi! I’m Jeongguk, and I don’t have a lab partner.. So would you like to be my lab partner today?” He tried, his smile turning timid as the girl looked him up and down.

She feigned a nice smile, trying to be kind as she spoke her words. “Sorry, Jeongguk, but I’m already partners with..” Her eyes scanned the room and locked onto a smaller girl across the classroom. “I’m already partners with Yoona.”

Jeongguk’s eyebrows furrowed. “But I just saw you randomly choose her just now, you didn’t have a partner before I asked you.”

The girl’s phony smile died as soon as it came on, a condescending look replacing it. “Jeongguk, I don’t want to be partnered up with you. Isn’t it obvious? I think we all know even someone as stupid as you could figure that out.” She then put her hand out, motioning for Jeongguk to leave her alone. “Go bother someone else. I don’t have time for people who don’t even know that nobody wants to be partnered up with them.”

Jeongguk felt his heart shrivel up a little more as he bowed and quietly apologized before walking to the front of the room to receive his frog and operation utensils. Mr. Choi seemed to notice that Jeongguk was partnerless in the dissection.

The teacher gave Jeongguk a supportive smile. “No lab partner again?” When Jeongguk shook his head silently, his face as blank as an unused sheet of paper, he sighed. “Maybe next time.”

Jeongguk received the frog and utensils and made his way to the middle lab table, the only lab table left open with no one sitting at it. He began the operation, lost in thought as he ran through the motions of operating on the frog. The lab worksheet was soon filled out completely and Jeongguk disposed of his gutted frog and cleaned his utensils. Used to working alone, Jeongguk usually finished a few minutes before the rest of his peers, and used the rest of his time to study. Deep down, Jeongguk knew it was a bit useless for him to study, as he always got lost in thought and never actually studied very efficiently.

The last bell of the day finally rang, signaling the release of the thoroughly disgusted students from their dissection.

“You all did a great job today!” Mr. Choi shouted as the students exited his room, his gaze trained on one student trailing behind everyone. Said student turned his head to wave to him as he left, and Mr. Choi waved back at Jeongguk as he disappeared into the halls.

His eyes scanning the hallways for any signs of his friends, Jeongguk dropped his biology textbook at his locker. Catching sight of a maroon backpack, tan skin, and a lollipop stick poking out from someone’s mouth, Jeongguk ran towards Jimin.

“Jimin!” The shout caught the boy in question’s attention, making him turn his head from talking with Taehyung and waving. Jeongguk stopped between the two. “I just dissected a frog. I’m really grossed out.”

Jimin laughed, and Taehyung gave him a look. “I’m so jealous. I was sick on the day we dissected frogs.” An arm slung around his shoulders, and Taehyung flicked his arm. “Should’ve let me do it, then you wouldn’t look like printer paper right now.”

Jeongguk scoffed as Jimin and Taehyung led him toward the entrance of the school, poking fun at his slightly grossed out face. When they arrived outside, Jimin began to fan himself. “God, it’s sweltering out here!” He panted, taking off his school jacket and slinging it over his shoulder. Jimin raised his eyebrow when he saw that Jeongguk was the only one still wearing his uniform jacket. “Aren’t you hot, Jeonggukie?”

“I’m always cold, you know this, hyung.” Jeongguk sighed, fingers toying with the ends of his jacket. He pushed Taehyung’s hand away from him, which had been poking his cheek. “It’s nothing new.”

Jimin exhaled. “I think there’s something wrong with your body temperature.” He suddenly turned and grabbed Jeongguk’s face, making Jeongguk look him straight in the eye. “Are you cold-blooded, Jeongguk?”

Jeongguk frowned, struggling in Jimin’s grasp. “I’m not a reptile! And before you ask, no, I am not in the Illuminati.”

“Drat!” Taehyung shouted. Jimin reeled back, feigning alarm at Taehyung’s shout.

“Taehyung! Watch your fucking language!”

Smiling at his friends, Jeongguk waved to them. “I’m off.”

Taehyung frowned in return. “Are you busy again?”

“Yeah, I have some homework I need to catch up on.”

“Alright, Jeongguk, be safe.” Jimin ruffled his hair, sending him on his way home.

****  
  


The doorknob slightly twisted but jolted to a stop as Jeongguk turned it. Locked. Cursing, Jeongguk dug through the front pouch of his backpack and brought out his key. He stepped inside of the dark house, turning on the light and locking the door behind him.

“Hello?” Jeongguk called, hearing his voice echo in the front room. He hoped his mother or older brother were home, but he knew better than to hope for that. His mother probably had a late shift at the hospital tonight, and his brother was already off in Seoul. Junghyun was lucky he got into a college in Seoul, and Jeongguk envied him for getting to run away from Busan.

Jeongguk let out a breath he didn’t know he was even holding. Okay, he admitted it, he didn’t hate Busan as a place, he just didn’t like the people he went to school with. Besides Jimin, Taehyung, and the spunky third year teacher’s assistant in his math class, Hoseok, he didn’t know many people who liked to talk to him.

_Oh Jeongguk_ , his thoughts nagged at him, _it’s nothing personal. They all just don’t like you, and are too nice to tell you to stop talking to them. Why do you keep trying to speak to them? Only that one girl was nice enough to tell you the things you’ve been thinking for a while now._ Jeongguk clamped his eyes shut, trying to erase the thoughts from his head that had plagued him since middle school. It was just an anxiety thing, Jeongguk knew he should ignore it. People didn’t actually think he was annoying, he was sure of it.

But his inner thoughts seemed to scoff at him. _You think that, and then you wonder why people don’t like being partners with you? God, fucking dumbass. Keep your head down low, maybe you’ll get by this year._

Trying to ignore the anxious thoughts that swarmed around him, Jeongguk wandered into the kitchen, searching for food. He found a granola bar and tore the packaging open, shoving half in his mouth distractedly as he walked up the stairs, immersed in his own thoughts.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t keep his own hurtful comments about himself down. Jeongguk tried reading a book, playing on his phone, going on his computer, but nothing worked. Nothing distracted him from his own mind. His hands twitched as he contemplated on what to do, as nothing would quell this.

His train of thought an idea into his head. Jeongguk paled at the thought of it. _No, I promised myself I wouldn’t a month ago._ But the sinking feeling in his stomach and the lump in his throat kept pressing him, cheering him on. Jeongguk didn’t want to, he didn’t want to. He wanted to wear short sleeves and tank tops and go to the beach with Jimin and Taehyung without wearing long sleeves and getting questionable looks from strangers, the same message playing across all of their faces; _Why is that boy wearing sleeves in the summer?_

He didn’t want to. He opened his desk drawer.

He didn’t. He removed a small box from the back corner of the drawer.

He.. He did. He opened the box.

He did want to.

Jeongguk lifted the razor blade from its residence.

The cotton of the gauze pad rubbed uncomfortably against Jeongguk’s school uniform as he lifted his chopsticks, picking up a mouthful of ramyun from the bowl Taehyung had given him. Slurping the noodles down, he gazed at Taehyung’s small apartment. Down the hall, the door to his mother’s bedroom was open. He could see Taehyung grabbing something from behind her bed.

“Tada~ Look! It’s the shoe my mom hit me in the head with whenever I was bad as a kid!” Taehyung brought the old sandal out for Jeongguk to stare at. Jeongguk ‘ooh’ed and ‘ahh’ed at his amazing sandal.

“Amazing! I wish I could use it to hit you with when you poke me.” Jeongguk teased, and raised his arms to protect himself as Taehyung advanced on him, cursing. “I’m joking! I’m kidding, don’t hurt me.”

“Aish! That’s all I can say to you, Jeon Jeongguk!” Taehyung said as his hand connected with Jeongguk’s forearm. Jeongguk felt a stab of pain shoot through his nerves and he yanked his arm away from Taehyung, clutching his arm to his chest. Taehyung’s mischievous smile dropped from his face as he watched Jeongguk’s eyes cloud with pain.

Taehyung immediately got on his knees and reached for his arm. “Oh my God, are you okay? Did I hurt you? I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” He murmured, eyes widening in surprise when Jeongguk quickly got up and began backing up toward the bathroom at the end of the hall.

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine. You didn’t hurt me.” Jeongguk stuttered, pace quickening until his heel hit the cool bathroom tile. “I just.. need to go to the bathroom really quickly.”

Taehyung’s next sentence was interrupted by the bathroom door slamming, silence rushing in after. His fists clenched as he realized that Jeongguk’s arm was bleeding. Taehyung swore he didn’t hit him hard enough to bruise, much less start bleeding.

His mind flashed back to the American teen movies he had watched, where the girl got extremely upset at the school she went to because she got bullied. Then she would go home and..

Taehyung paled. Jeongguk wouldn’t hurt himself on _purpose_ , right? He grimaced at the memories of Jeongguk being rejected by multiple people or brushed off by many of his peers, Jeongguk always noticing Taehyung giving him a worried look and telling him that _he was fine, hyung. It isn’t a big deal, I can just partner with you!_

The thoughts spurred Taehyung into action, springing to his feet and striding to the bathroom door. He gently knocked on the door. “Jeongguk? Are you okay?” Taehyung asked hoarsely, listening for any sounds behind the door. He heard a sharp intake of breath and the rustling of clothes before a reply came.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Let me in.” Taehyung pleaded. Jeongguk looked down at the gauze pad, which he had switched out with a new one he found in Taehyung’s first aid kit he kept in the bathroom. He hesitated, glancing at the jacket sleeve he had slightly bled through. It was barely noticeable, as the jacket was a darker gray, but he slid the jacket and sleeves over his arms and unlocked the door, letting Taehyung in.

Taehyung stepped in gingerly, looking Jeongguk up and down to check for anything different about him. Jeongguk was a bit paler, and the disheveled way his jacket fit on his shoulders after he scrambled to put it on spiked suspicion in Taehyung.

Jeongguk felt naked as Taehyung’s gaze landed on his arms, his fingers subconsciously digging into the material of his jacket anxiously as he waited for Taehyung to say something. But the only thing Taehyung did was close the door behind him. Jeongguk watched as Taehyung sat down on the bathroom floor.

“Jeongguk.. You know I’m always going to be here for you when you’re sad or stressed or anything.” Taehyung whispered, eyes roaming his face. Jeongguk swallowed thickly, watching him glide his hand over his knuckles and finally rest on top of Jeongguk’s own. “I’m always here.”

The lump in Jeongguk’s throat seemed more prominent than ever as Taehyung’s words wormed their way into his heart. _He doesn’t mean it_ , his anxiety hums into his ear. _Then what do I have to lose?_ Jeongguk’s mind bit back.

“I’m- Uh.. I think I have a problem.” Jeongguk mumbled.

“I’m listening.”

He closed his eyes and bit his lip. Jeongguk inhaled shakily before opening his eyes and continuing. “Whenever I get really.. sad and anxious I.. um..” His fingers twitched nervously.

Taehyung nodded at him supportively.

“Taehyung, I cut myself.”

Jeongguk felt Taehyung’s hand tense up, but Jeongguk couldn’t stop himself from going on. “At first it was in middle school, when people started to dislike me because I’m fucking stupid. I dealt with everyone just,” Jeongguk noticed warm hands coming to wipe away tears he didn’t know had come, “Slinging insults at me, or ignoring me, or just hanging out with me because of a bet, a joke.”

A bitter laugh bubbled up through Jeongguk’s throat. “Because that’s what I am, right? I’m just a joke, some dumb shit who somehow managed to make it to his first year of high school.

“I don’t know when it went from a little to a lot. My mind is just.. overcrowded all the time, I feel like I’m just yelling at myself all the time because I’m so fucking stupid.” Jeongguk sniveled, rubbing his eyes so hard he saw mini galaxies behind his eyelids. “Why can’t I do anything right? Why is everyone like this all the time? I just can’t deal with it all, I have to have some form of release, I’m sorry.”

Taehyung remained a source of strength to Jeongguk, silently listening to Jeongguk’s needed vent. Soft sobs filled the air as Jeongguk slid into Taehyung’s lap, crying into his chest as Taehyung held him tight.

“It’s hard, I know it’s hard, Jeongguk.” Taehyung rumbled. “It’s okay. I’m always here.”

Jeongguk’s heart squeezed as Taehyung’s words flowed into his ears. More sobs poured out of his mouth as his hands clenched the fabric of Taehyung’s shirt. He had never heard those words spoken to him, and he never knew he needed them spoken to him so badly until they fell out of Taehyung’s mouth.

His crying soon devolved to hiccuping and slight sniffling every few seconds, and Taehyung spoke again. “I want you to consider talking to a professional about this.” He whispered, stroking Jeongguk’s hair. “You don’t have to tomorrow or today, but just think about it. I don’t want you to accidentally die, Jeongguk.” Taehyung’s voice was slightly garbled. “What if you cut too deep, and you can’t call 119 in time? You can’t die, Jeongguk, please be careful, please think about it.” He cupped Jeongguk’s tearstained face in his hands. “I can’t lose you, Jeongguk.”

Jeongguk stared, meeting Taehyung’s teary eyes with his own, and slowly nodded. “I.. I’ll think about it.”

Jeongguk expected everything to be different after he told Taehyung he self-harmed. But when he met up with Jimin and Taehyung the next day, Taehyung treated Jeongguk like he did before. He was still overly affectionate to both Jimin and himself, still annoyed Jeongguk by poking him in the cheek, and still ruffled his hair when he thought Jeongguk did something overly cute.

They were sitting in the park when Jimin made a face. “It’s so hot, Jeongguk. And you’re still wearing your jacket!” Jimin looked pointedly at the striped zip-up Jeongguk had decided to wear that Saturday afternoon. Sighing, about to reply, he abruptly stopped himself when Taehyung hit Jimin in the arm and told him to drop it.

Jeongguk felt a blush creeping up his neck, and he nestled into his jacket more. Taehyung smiled and handed Jeongguk his water bottle.

“You look thirsty. Stay hydrated, xoxo, Taehyungie.” Taehyung placed the bottle in his lap and patted it. Jeongguk raised his eyebrow and took the cap off of the water bottle, tilting his head up and holding the water bottle so the most water would pour out of it. A few beads of water rolled from the corners of his mouth down his neck, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he downed most of the water bottle.

When he finished swallowing, feeling refreshed, he put the cap back on and handed it back to Taehyung, who was staring in awe at Jeongguk.

Jimin snorted, rolling his eyes. “Jeongguk, I think you owe Taehyung a new water, because he’s thirsty as fuck.”

“What?” Jeongguk questioned, giving Jimin an odd stare.

“He’s thirsty-”

“Yes, I get that, but why? Did some girl walk by? Why didn’t you tell me?” Jeongguk was a bit put off at the scoff Jimin produced. “What now?”

“God, you’re both so helpless.” Jimin huffed, annoyed. He suddenly grabbed Jeongguk’s face and brought him close. “Taehyung has a c-”

Taehyung’s hand slapped over Jimin’s mouth, successfully silencing him. “Has a craving for ddeokbokki. Jimin also needs to leave for his doctors appointment.” He let go of Jimin’s mouth.

Jeongguk was confused. What was that about? He watched as Jimin got up, doing the ‘I’m watching you’ sign as he stalked off.

“Okay..? Bye, Jimin!” Jeongguk yelled after Jimin, who yelled goodbye back and waved until he could barely see him. Jeongguk turned back to Taehyung, who was jumping up and down and waving back at Jimin.

Taehyung eventually faced Jeongguk and pointed toward the ddeokbokki stand behind them. “Ddeokbokki?”

Jeongguk grinned. “Ddeokbokki.”

Taehyung linked arms with Jeongguk as they made their way through the crowds to the stands. They received their food, walking and eating at the same time. A mother’s disgrace.

They stopped walking when they got to a small water fountain. Jeongguk’s eyes lit up as he watched the various streams of water glow different colors of the rainbow. “Whoa, these are really.. Whoa.”

Taehyung chuckled. “You said it.” But Taehyung wasn’t looking at the fountain. When Jeongguk turned his head to tell Taehyung something, he forgot everything he was going to say when he saw Taehyung staring at him like he was the only thing in the world.

Taehyung cleared his throat and shifted his weight on his legs. “Jeongguk, I.. I’ve been meaning to say this for a long time.” He gently took Jeongguk’s hands into his, peering at their linked hands for a few moments before he looked back into Jeongguk’s nervous eyes. “I think you deserve to know that I have really, really strong feelings for you. I mean.. You don’t have to like me back.”

Jeongguk was frozen, the day he had dreamed of, longed for for such a long time finally making its debut. Taehyung took a deep breath and went on. “You’re so kind to everyone you meet, it sickens me when people can just turn down someone as sweet as you so easily.” He brought a hand up to Jeongguk’s upper arm, gently resting it there. “You’re smart, so smart, Jeongguk, you don’t even know how smart and amazing and hilarious you are.”

Taehyung exhaled, letting a soft smile grace his features. “You are so, so special to me.”

Jeongguk let out a sigh of relief. “Oh, God, Taehyung.”

But Taehyung seemed to interpret Jeongguk’s relief as rejection. He stepped back, releasing Jeongguk from his grasp. Quickly turning around, Taehyung began to walk away from Jeongguk, saying a short ‘I’m sorry’. Jeongguk’s eyes widened and he lunged after Taehyung.

“Wait!”

Jeongguk caught Taehyung by the wrist. He pulled the startled boy back to him and steeled his nerves. _What do I have to lose?_

“Taehyung, I like you too.”

****  
  


Jimin smirked as he watched Jeongguk and Taehyung walk up the steps of his front porch. _About fucking time_ , He thought, watching the two lovebirds share a short kiss before they rang the doorbell. Jimin immediately swung the door open, startling both of his friends.

“About fucking time!” Jimin’s words made both of their ears turn a deep cherry red.

“Be quiet, Jimin.”

“So who confessed to who first?” The oldest prodded at his younger friends.

Jeongguk’s blush spread to his face. “Taehyung.”

Jimin whooped. “I get 10,000 won from Hoseok hyung!” He pumped his fists in the air, jumping around. He whipped out his phone and texted Hoseok.

**HAHA GUESS WHAT HOE. GUESS WHO GETS 10000 WON!!!! ME! PARK JIMIN! KING OF BETS!!**

Taehyung exchanged a look with Jeongguk, who gave him a tired look back. They had just gotten back from group therapy for Jeongguk’s anxiety and self-harming, which had really taken a toll on both Jeongguk and Taehyung. Taehyung squeezed his boyfriend’s hand in his, smiling warmly at him, letting him know he was in it for the long run. Jeongguk grinned back at him sweetly, and turned his attention back to Jimin, who was currently laughing at the shocked and upset text message he received from Hoseok.

Jimin put his arms around both of them and kissed their cheeks. “I want to thank not only God, but also, Jesus.” He cried, wiping faux tears from the corner of his eye. Jeongguk rolled his eyes at Jimin, who was currently receiving waves of angry and betrayed texts from a distressed Hoseok.

Taehyung shuffled over to Jimin’s couch and flopped onto it. “Congrats. Are you buying dinner for us, like a good hyung?” Taehyung teased, giggling at the way Jimin’s face went pale at the thought.

“Fine! Fine. I’ll buy dinner for you brats. Aish, you’re lucky I didn’t just kick you out.”

“But we just got you 10,000 won!” Jeongguk complained, nestling into his designated corner of the couch.

It was Jimin’s turn to roll his eyes. “What do you want?”

“Ddeokbokki!”

“Is that the only thing you eat nowadays?”

“Ddeokbokki. Ddeokbokki. I want ddeokbokki. Ddeokbokki, every day and every night!”

“Fine, ddeokbokki.”

Jeongguk laughed at his quarreling friends. He felt happy and safe and at peace, and he knew he was going to be okay.

****  
  


Recovery is a long and difficult road, filled with many twists and turns. But it is worth it. You are worth it. You are worth the trouble of recovery. It’s going to be hard, I know it’s hard. But you’ll make it. And you will be happy when you do.

**Author's Note:**

> let mi repeat: _love yall stay safE XOXO IF U NEED TO TALK HZTAOISM.TUMBLR.COM I WILL BE THERE FOR U BC U ARE IMPORTANT TO ME_


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